For Grindr

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There'd always been a hint that he wasn't telling TJ everything. He'd never pretended to be something he wasn't. He'd never acted like he was anything close to normal. But still, the idea of letting TJ in enough to know more. To know about everything that was really important. A part of him was rebelling against the idea and he was more than sure that Mr. Robot was not very happy about it either. But what could he do?

He cared about TJ. He was as important to him as Darlene and Angela. So, he had to tell him the truth. A part of him worried, being with him wasn't really safe and who knew how the son of a political family would feel about his choices to dismantle those that run society. What would he think about the lives that'd been lost because of the war Elliot had started?

There were so many questions plaguing him and he'd told TJ to come over because he'd wanted to talk. He'd done more than his normal regimen of morphine and was smoking as he waited for him to arrive. He'd chosen his own apartment because it was safer, comforting to be there when he was doing something far outside of his comfort zone. Even the cushion that morphine usually provided him from the world hadn't been able to keep out the rising anxiety.

But he was going to do it. TJ deserved to know everything. Elliot knew he was attached far more than he'd ever intended and he felt like it was the same for TJ. He hadn't hacked him again since their first meeting but he thought if he did there'd be some kind of proof of his affection. Maybe.

God where was he? Or was time just slowing down?

Comments

[grindr]

For a second, the suggestion sparked worry -- probably the same sort of worry his family felt whenever something went wrong in his life and they knew he'd inevitably turn to a line for solace. But TJ sympathized with that need. What TJ told himself when that flicker of nerves gripped him was that it was Elliot's choice in substance. From the start, he'd told TJ coke wasn't his thing.

He shifted where he sat, pushing a hand in his pocket for the vial he always kept on hand (just in case, he told himself). "Yeah, man. Here," he held out the vial with a half-hearted smile. "Where do you keep the rest of your supplies? I'll get them."

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Elliot pointed to the table beside the couch. He'd never made a habit of hiding anything in his apartment. There wasn't really any reason to. He stared at the vial and the rational part of his brain was telling him it was a bad idea but one line wouldn't be so bad.

One line and then just lay down and hope the pain dulled to an acceptable throb instead of the piercing grief that he couldn't ignore. It wasn't a good idea and he just kept breaking every rule today that he had for himself, pushing at the tenuous boundaries of his sanity.

He opened the vial, leaning forward to start the process on the end table in front of them.

[grindr]

"Thought you were more of a downer guy," TJ commented. Not that hhe was trying to suggest Elliot needed downers at that moment. If TJ read the situation right, he was pretty sure Elliot was already high. Could he blame him? Not at all, not with confessions like that. TJ watched him closely, edging closer to the table.

There were a thousand questions he wanted to ask, but he wondered if now was the time. At length, he finally opened with, "so, um, can I ask you some things about, you know, your, um, your dad?" Not really his dad, but the... hallucinations? Alternate personality? "It's okay if you're not ready to talk about it."

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Elliot didn't answer the comment, a slight shrug the only indication that he was listening. He bit down on his lip as he kept his eyes on the table instead of looking at TJ right away.

The question caught him off guard his jaw tightening for a brief moment before he willed it to relax. "Sure."

[grindr]

"What do you mean when you said I should leave if you're acting crazy?" He paused only a beat before qualifying. "I know what the you should leave part is; it's the acting crazy part... " Did he just mean acting unlike himself? Were there specific signs that Elliot wasn't the one driving? Was there some sort of danger? It couldn't be easy for Elliot to talk about, it's not something one would share with just about anyone. TJ certainly guards the few secrets he has fiercely (not only for his sake, though).

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Elliot exhaled at the question and then the explanation which really he kind of figured is what TJ would have meant. He rubbed his hands over his head. "If I'm mean... or just power tripping or... if I'm not me..." more than anyone else he'd hope that TJ would be able to see the difference but then again his own sister hadn't been able to tell.

Maybe Mr. Robot was just damned good at hiding in plain sight and Elliot didn't really have any way of knowing that. Maybe he was just all those things in his head but not out loud.

[grindr]

TJ nodded. He liked to think he would be able to tell, but couldn't say for sure. He liked to think he could read some of the subtleties of Elliot's moods and behaviours, but no one's perfect at that. The description Elliot provided was enough to satisfy TJ's curiosity. It gave him some clues to look for if he ever noticed Elliot acting amiss.

"If for some reason I end up talking with him and I don't know it, will you remember the conversation?"

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The passive look on Elliot's face finally broke into something sadder. He hardly was even thinking about the coke that'd been his idea and leaned back on the couch.

"I don't know... I forgot Darlene was my sister more than once so..." he lifted his shoulder, his memory and inability to remember things in a way that seemed completely randomized to him was one he didn't like. He tried so hard to keep a tight control on his life, his habits, his routine and things like that were so far out of his control -- likely why he was always so wound up about keeping to the routine.

He'd started to break out of it, just a little, for TJ. It'd been a measure of safety slowly given up. "Sometimes, I'm there and sometimes I'm not."

[grindr]

Whoa. That certainly added yet another layer of complexity to their relationship. TJ hoped there wouldn't coma day when he came round and Elliot didn't know him. Or if it did, that TJ would be able to handle it well. The look on Elliot's face made his heart ache and he decided then that he could ask more later. Elliot opened enough and it was obviously getting to him.

"Sorry, I didn't mean..." To ask so many questions, to keep him in a vulnerable place, to ignore his emotions on the matter. "C'mon. Let's do this coke and... I don't know, watch a movie or just curl up in bed."

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"you have a right to answer questions. You just found out you're dating a psycho," Elliot said quietly, even if he didn't think that was an accurate description it's sure what he would sound like to someone else.

He gave a slow nod to the reprieve that was offered though. He just wasn't ready for more questions or to deal with the fact that he knew he had just left some heavy things on TJ to process which was hardly fair.

He could've chosen his words more carefully.

[grindr]

"You're not a psycho," TJ insisted. Sure, maybe he had some problems people could legitimately call 'crazy." He breathed out slowly, then leaned in a little closer, still not sure if too much touching would be welcome. "I don't think you're psycho," he added more firmly. He opted to give Elliot some space, leaning toward the coffee table to have a line before things got too serious again.

"For what it's worth, I think it took a lot of courage for you to tell me all this today." He could've postponed it until there was no option but to explain, he could've kept it secret for much longer, but he didn't. "Everyone's got things they'd rather keep under wraps, me included."

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Elliot didn't argue because it felt good to have TJ say that. There was relief in knowing that TJ wasn't going to just up and leave him because of all the new information, at least not right away.

He didn't say anything, exhaling before he leaned to do a line himself. He closed his eyes afterwards, fingers brushing under his nose before leaning back into the couch with a deep sigh.

He couldn't come up with a damned thing to say, leaning over instead to press his lips to the other's briefly, silently lifting the seeming hold on physical touch that'd been present through most of the conversation.

[grindr]

Elliot's kiss lifted some of the tension, prompting TJ to feel somewhat more at ease. It was a lot to take in, a lot to process. It wouldn't be easy on either of them, but... He liked Elliot enough to try, at least. They'd gone so far as to agree they're actually dating, after all. Tj didn't enter into actual formal relationships lightly.

Now that he knew Elliot was alright with physicality again, TJ scooted over to his side of the couch and leaned against him. He rested his head against Elliot's shoulder and draped an arm over his stomach, basking in the closeness. "I guess since we're sharing... The last time I got involved with anyone seriously..." TJ paused, swallowing back the mix of bitterness and sadness that seemed to form a lump in his throat. "I was with this married guy for almost a year. A congressman, no less."

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Elliot was still slow to respond -- although that wasn't always new -- but his arm did slide around TJ once the other was settled against him.

"I know about that," Elliot said, and he also knew that after it'd ended that TJ had almost died in a suicide attempt. His fingers rubbed against the other's side an attempt at comfort all the same.

[grindr]

"Yeah," TJ sighed, not quite processing what Elliot said. Then he blinked and craned his neck to look back at him. "Wait, what?" How could he know? Only a handful of people other than TJ and Sean knew.

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"I'm a hacker," Elliot said, not realizing quite yet that he might have just dug himself into a hole. "I hack everyone I meet."

[grindr]

That's.. jarring. He's so causal about it, like prying into others' lives is no big thing. Still, how could he know? It's not like they were s constantly swapping emails or chatting it up on Facebook. The were intentionally careful, less for TJ's sake than for Sean's.

"You've known all this time?" There's an edge in his voice now, disbelieve and... some degree of upset that isn't quite anger. TJ sat up and gaped at Elliot, as if he expected some further explanation.

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Nothing was ever as secret as anyone thought it was. It was a senator after all. He had security. They both did. There'd been the information right there if you were looking in the right places and Elliot always looked in the right places.

Th other's tone confused him, not quite sure what it was. "Yeah..." his voice and face is perplexed as if he's sure he's supposed to say something but he doesn't know what it is.

[grindr]

"Wow." What else could he say? It hurt more than he expected to learn it. Not that someone dug up another bit of dirt on him, but that it was Elliot. He's spent his whole life people people rummaging around his life like pigs sniffing for truffles. He shouldn't be surprised... Really he shouldn't.

"I, um," he paused, looking around before getting up, lips pursed and brows creased. "I gotta go. I can't stay here... right now." He got about halfway to the door before TJ turned around, a tight knot in his chest. "Damn, Elliot... That's the only fucking secret I had from anyone and you..." Had to go and do that. TJ didn't finish, just shook his head and went for the door.

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Elliot looked confused. He didn't get up because he didn't know what the right thing to do in this situation was. TJ wanted to leave, right? Who was he to stop him even though it was the last thing he wanted to happen. He needed him there... he didn't know what it meant if he left.

"I didn't... It's how I..." but he couldn't find the words so he gave up, sinking into the couch and letting him leave. How even through all the drugs he could still feel so much pain he didn't know but god he needed it to stop. He needed it to stop because this was dangerous for him. This was where he could lose control.

Another dose of morphine he thought, mentally ticking through how much he had, how hard it would be to get more and how bad the withdrawal might be. His mind already racing and he couldn't even be focused enough to know if TJ had actually left or not.

[grindr]

He left. He didn't slam the door or anything ridiculously dramatic (for once). He just left. He walked a long while before he actually caught a train back to his apartment. The whole ride was a bit of a blur, people talking and TJ just lost in a tin world of hurt. Sean and everything to do with him was actually the only secret TJ had. It was the only part of his life that somehow managed to stay safe from prying, judgemental eyes. And Elliot just threw it out there like they were talking about the weather.

It took the entire train ride and the short walk back to his apartment for the realization to dawn on TJ: Elliot knew the whole time and never judged him for it. More than that, he never held it over TJ's head, never tried to manipulate a situation using it. He knew the only secret TJ had and he'd kept it, before they ever got serious, probably.

And TJ walked out on him.

"Fuck," he grumbled to himself. TJ grabbed his jacket, made sure he had his keys and his cigarettes and walked out the door again. His feet traced the familiar route to the train, then from one train to the next, until he found himself knocking at Elliot's door once more. "Hey man, it's me."

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Elliot had finally decided he could do just a bit more morphine but after that he didn't really feel any better. He still felt nothing and everything at the same time and it was overwhelming.

Somewhere in his head he could hear that knock but he didn't think to answer it, pressed into that safe corner of his apartment and one of the only places in the world that he'd ever been vulnerable enough to break down. Luckily for TJ, the door wasn't locked.

He was pretty sure he'd lost TJ and it hurt far more than he ever could have anticipated.

[grindr]

TJ knocked a few times, the lack of response testing his patience. Worry lanced through him and that knot in his chest sank to his stomach. He waited shortly before trying to door, hoping Elliot hadn't bothered to lock it when TJ walked out. Thankfully, he hadn't. The worry expanded when he didn't immediately see Elliot still seated on the couch or at his computer. Panic clawed at his inside and left him cold before he finally caught sight of Elliot wedged into that little nook.

TJ rushed over, crouching down slightly to the side (so as not to box him in), and gingerly reached out to put a hand on his shoulder. "Elliot?"

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Elliot didn't realize TJ was there until he was touching him. He'd drawn his knees up to his chest, arms hugging around his legs.

He was mildly ashamed when he realized TJ was seeing him cry. Which just made him cry harder, his face pressing into his knees as he tried to staunch it, sucking in deep breaths.

"I didn't mean... I just.. it's how I understand people," he mumbled against his knees.

[grindr]

If TJ ever saw anything more heartbreaking, he couldn't think of it. It definitely shattered any lingering resentment he might've been feeling to see Elliot so torn up. TJ smoothed a hand over his hair, the other rubbing persistently at his shoulder in a subtle effort to draw him out of that nook.

"I get it," TJ assured. It took him the whole way home and back again to wrap his brain around it, but he managed it. Elliot didn't connect like other people did, he didn't deal with the fake bullshit (but how much of what people put online is real either?). "C'mon man, you're all right."