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There'd always been a hint that he wasn't telling TJ everything. He'd never pretended to be something he wasn't. He'd never acted like he was anything close to normal. But still, the idea of letting TJ in enough to know more. To know about everything that was really important. A part of him was rebelling against the idea and he was more than sure that Mr. Robot was not very happy about it either. But what could he do?

He cared about TJ. He was as important to him as Darlene and Angela. So, he had to tell him the truth. A part of him worried, being with him wasn't really safe and who knew how the son of a political family would feel about his choices to dismantle those that run society. What would he think about the lives that'd been lost because of the war Elliot had started?

There were so many questions plaguing him and he'd told TJ to come over because he'd wanted to talk. He'd done more than his normal regimen of morphine and was smoking as he waited for him to arrive. He'd chosen his own apartment because it was safer, comforting to be there when he was doing something far outside of his comfort zone. Even the cushion that morphine usually provided him from the world hadn't been able to keep out the rising anxiety.

But he was going to do it. TJ deserved to know everything. Elliot knew he was attached far more than he'd ever intended and he felt like it was the same for TJ. He hadn't hacked him again since their first meeting but he thought if he did there'd be some kind of proof of his affection. Maybe.

God where was he? Or was time just slowing down?

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Elliot's kiss lifted some of the tension, prompting TJ to feel somewhat more at ease. It was a lot to take in, a lot to process. It wouldn't be easy on either of them, but... He liked Elliot enough to try, at least. They'd gone so far as to agree they're actually dating, after all. Tj didn't enter into actual formal relationships lightly.

Now that he knew Elliot was alright with physicality again, TJ scooted over to his side of the couch and leaned against him. He rested his head against Elliot's shoulder and draped an arm over his stomach, basking in the closeness. "I guess since we're sharing... The last time I got involved with anyone seriously..." TJ paused, swallowing back the mix of bitterness and sadness that seemed to form a lump in his throat. "I was with this married guy for almost a year. A congressman, no less."

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Elliot was still slow to respond -- although that wasn't always new -- but his arm did slide around TJ once the other was settled against him.

"I know about that," Elliot said, and he also knew that after it'd ended that TJ had almost died in a suicide attempt. His fingers rubbed against the other's side an attempt at comfort all the same.

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"Yeah," TJ sighed, not quite processing what Elliot said. Then he blinked and craned his neck to look back at him. "Wait, what?" How could he know? Only a handful of people other than TJ and Sean knew.

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"I'm a hacker," Elliot said, not realizing quite yet that he might have just dug himself into a hole. "I hack everyone I meet."

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That's.. jarring. He's so causal about it, like prying into others' lives is no big thing. Still, how could he know? It's not like they were s constantly swapping emails or chatting it up on Facebook. The were intentionally careful, less for TJ's sake than for Sean's.

"You've known all this time?" There's an edge in his voice now, disbelieve and... some degree of upset that isn't quite anger. TJ sat up and gaped at Elliot, as if he expected some further explanation.

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Nothing was ever as secret as anyone thought it was. It was a senator after all. He had security. They both did. There'd been the information right there if you were looking in the right places and Elliot always looked in the right places.

Th other's tone confused him, not quite sure what it was. "Yeah..." his voice and face is perplexed as if he's sure he's supposed to say something but he doesn't know what it is.

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"Wow." What else could he say? It hurt more than he expected to learn it. Not that someone dug up another bit of dirt on him, but that it was Elliot. He's spent his whole life people people rummaging around his life like pigs sniffing for truffles. He shouldn't be surprised... Really he shouldn't.

"I, um," he paused, looking around before getting up, lips pursed and brows creased. "I gotta go. I can't stay here... right now." He got about halfway to the door before TJ turned around, a tight knot in his chest. "Damn, Elliot... That's the only fucking secret I had from anyone and you..." Had to go and do that. TJ didn't finish, just shook his head and went for the door.

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Elliot looked confused. He didn't get up because he didn't know what the right thing to do in this situation was. TJ wanted to leave, right? Who was he to stop him even though it was the last thing he wanted to happen. He needed him there... he didn't know what it meant if he left.

"I didn't... It's how I..." but he couldn't find the words so he gave up, sinking into the couch and letting him leave. How even through all the drugs he could still feel so much pain he didn't know but god he needed it to stop. He needed it to stop because this was dangerous for him. This was where he could lose control.

Another dose of morphine he thought, mentally ticking through how much he had, how hard it would be to get more and how bad the withdrawal might be. His mind already racing and he couldn't even be focused enough to know if TJ had actually left or not.

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He left. He didn't slam the door or anything ridiculously dramatic (for once). He just left. He walked a long while before he actually caught a train back to his apartment. The whole ride was a bit of a blur, people talking and TJ just lost in a tin world of hurt. Sean and everything to do with him was actually the only secret TJ had. It was the only part of his life that somehow managed to stay safe from prying, judgemental eyes. And Elliot just threw it out there like they were talking about the weather.

It took the entire train ride and the short walk back to his apartment for the realization to dawn on TJ: Elliot knew the whole time and never judged him for it. More than that, he never held it over TJ's head, never tried to manipulate a situation using it. He knew the only secret TJ had and he'd kept it, before they ever got serious, probably.

And TJ walked out on him.

"Fuck," he grumbled to himself. TJ grabbed his jacket, made sure he had his keys and his cigarettes and walked out the door again. His feet traced the familiar route to the train, then from one train to the next, until he found himself knocking at Elliot's door once more. "Hey man, it's me."

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Elliot had finally decided he could do just a bit more morphine but after that he didn't really feel any better. He still felt nothing and everything at the same time and it was overwhelming.

Somewhere in his head he could hear that knock but he didn't think to answer it, pressed into that safe corner of his apartment and one of the only places in the world that he'd ever been vulnerable enough to break down. Luckily for TJ, the door wasn't locked.

He was pretty sure he'd lost TJ and it hurt far more than he ever could have anticipated.

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TJ knocked a few times, the lack of response testing his patience. Worry lanced through him and that knot in his chest sank to his stomach. He waited shortly before trying to door, hoping Elliot hadn't bothered to lock it when TJ walked out. Thankfully, he hadn't. The worry expanded when he didn't immediately see Elliot still seated on the couch or at his computer. Panic clawed at his inside and left him cold before he finally caught sight of Elliot wedged into that little nook.

TJ rushed over, crouching down slightly to the side (so as not to box him in), and gingerly reached out to put a hand on his shoulder. "Elliot?"

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Elliot didn't realize TJ was there until he was touching him. He'd drawn his knees up to his chest, arms hugging around his legs.

He was mildly ashamed when he realized TJ was seeing him cry. Which just made him cry harder, his face pressing into his knees as he tried to staunch it, sucking in deep breaths.

"I didn't mean... I just.. it's how I understand people," he mumbled against his knees.

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If TJ ever saw anything more heartbreaking, he couldn't think of it. It definitely shattered any lingering resentment he might've been feeling to see Elliot so torn up. TJ smoothed a hand over his hair, the other rubbing persistently at his shoulder in a subtle effort to draw him out of that nook.

"I get it," TJ assured. It took him the whole way home and back again to wrap his brain around it, but he managed it. Elliot didn't connect like other people did, he didn't deal with the fake bullshit (but how much of what people put online is real either?). "C'mon man, you're all right."

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Elliot didn't calm down right away. It took a little bit with the other there, trying to comfort him. But it was better now that he was there and he wasn't alone like he was used to being when he got that upset and sad.

He felt a bit sick after all the crying. After everything. "Okay," he finally nodded, rubbing at his face as if he could wipe away all the evidence of the broken emotions.

From:

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TJ wasn't the best at dealing with other people's emotions, but for Elliot he tried. HE let him cry until he was all out of tears, patting his shoulder and murmuring the whole time to remind the other that he was there for him. Once he stopped, once he scrubbed his face as if to erase the embarrassing evidence, TJ lifted his brows a little and leaned in.

"I'm sorry."

$viewsource: (:\our mole on the inside)$

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Elliot felt confused by TJ's apology. He'd been the one that'd been upset and left after all, shouldn't Elliot still be apologizing for the misstep. In a purely logical way he could understand why the other was upset but at the same time he'd just behaved as he always had with everyone and he hadn't thought it should be important.

"You aren't upset still?" he questioned, as if not quite sure what to believe and there was a part of him that was now terrified of seeing him walk out the door in a way he had never really been scared of losing someone before.

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TJ tried his best to coax Elliot out of that nook, at least get him to the bed just next to it. Maybe just lying there cuddled together and talking would smooth all this out. That's what TJ wanted right now more than anything.

"A little, yeah," he admitted. "But that's on me. You weren't trying to be malicious, Elliot, I know that. You weren't digging for dirt or anything like that." TJ understood that. After getting all the way back to his place, TJ realised Elliot wasn't trying to be malicious, he was just... doing what he does to connect.

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Elliot felt like he could only half hear TJ, in the cloud of the drugs and so tired and exhausted after the crying and having been far too overwhelmed by emotions he wasn't used to.

He eventually moved with TJ to crawl onto the bed, closing his eyes as his head rest on the pillow. "I really thought I lost you."

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"Sorry to disappoint," TJ quipped. Once Elliot was settled, TJ kicked off his shoes and stretched out beside him, taking a moment before curling against him. If it had been anyone but Elliot... But like he explained, that's how Elliot tries to understand others. TJ couldn't really hold that against him. It stung a little to have his privacy invaded so thoroughly, but it wasn't anything he hadn't been ready to admit himself.

"Mind if I stay a while?"

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Elliot had curled up on the bed, trying to center himself. This was another reason he strictly regimented how much drugs he took. Too much and you could go so far to the other side of numb where everything was on full blast and amplified.

"Yeah." He knew for sure he didn't want TJ going anywhere.

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"Alright," TJ mused quietly. "I'll be right here if you need me, okay?" Or if he got hungry, needed Qwerty fed, wanted something to drink, whatever. It's the least he could do after causing all this fuss to begin with. "You're going to be okay."

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