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There'd always been a hint that he wasn't telling TJ everything. He'd never pretended to be something he wasn't. He'd never acted like he was anything close to normal. But still, the idea of letting TJ in enough to know more. To know about everything that was really important. A part of him was rebelling against the idea and he was more than sure that Mr. Robot was not very happy about it either. But what could he do?

He cared about TJ. He was as important to him as Darlene and Angela. So, he had to tell him the truth. A part of him worried, being with him wasn't really safe and who knew how the son of a political family would feel about his choices to dismantle those that run society. What would he think about the lives that'd been lost because of the war Elliot had started?

There were so many questions plaguing him and he'd told TJ to come over because he'd wanted to talk. He'd done more than his normal regimen of morphine and was smoking as he waited for him to arrive. He'd chosen his own apartment because it was safer, comforting to be there when he was doing something far outside of his comfort zone. Even the cushion that morphine usually provided him from the world hadn't been able to keep out the rising anxiety.

But he was going to do it. TJ deserved to know everything. Elliot knew he was attached far more than he'd ever intended and he felt like it was the same for TJ. He hadn't hacked him again since their first meeting but he thought if he did there'd be some kind of proof of his affection. Maybe.

God where was he? Or was time just slowing down?

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We need to talk never bodes well with anyone. Elliot hadn't phrased it as such, but the tone made it clear. The train ride felt like hours, hours in which TJ couldn't even have a cigarette. In his mind, it would've been faster to walk across town to Elliot's apartment. But what was he going to do trapped in the train tunnel with no distractions? All he could think about was Elliot and what he wanted to say.

It's over, he's sure that was it. Knowing that, he tried to brace himself for it. He tried (and failed not to look tense as he walked up to Elliot's door, tried (and failed) to give his usual casual smile when he was invited in. "What's up," he asked as if he wasn't preparing for the very worst.

When TJ finally arrived something seemed off about him. Elliot felt a prick of concern immediately, he was too nervous to do what he might have done on a better day -- hug him, kiss him. So instead he asked. "Are you okay?" he'd become accustomed to habit. The habit of how TJ reacts to him and he'd just reacted differently. He tapped ashes off into the ashtray as he moved to sit back on the couch.

His hand rubbing over his forehead. For him, he was finding himself anxious that this talk would end in TJ leaving him. He wouldn't be able to blame him. What might be worse is if he doesn't even believe him though. That made him want to be sick. But before he could even start to tell him anything he had to make sure he was okay.

The smile formed and "Yeah," fell out of his mouth before he could turn the autopilot off his autopilot. The expression that followed made it clear he wasn't happy with what he just said, as did the sigh that followed. "Sorry, that's a bad habit, I know." As if the drinking and drugs and all that casual sex weren't bad, too.

TJ followed Elliot through the apartment, pausing only long enough to close and lock the door behind him. "Last time someone told me they wanted to talk, I got dumped," he admitted. There's more to the story than that, some deeper, darker pain slithering under the words but not yet rearing its ugly head. "Makes me nervous when people say that."

Elliot's brow furrowed because the answer seemed not quite right but he could read TJ easier and the follow up earned a slight nod of acknowledgement. "Well, I'm not..." Elliot shook his head and looked down at his cigarette. Were they even actually dating, really? Could they even break up?

He didn't want to stop seeing TJ.

"I just... you know there's things that I said you should know..."

The worst confessions tumbled through his mind: he's married, he's violent criminal, he's in witness protection... Some more ridiculous than others, but TJ braced for something that would bring their odd, but idyllic little arrangement crashing to an end. TJ swallowed down his nerves as best he could, shoved his hands in his pockets and followed Elliot to the couch. HE was almost too wound up to sit.

"Yeah, I remember."

How do I even begin...? How do you tell one of the people you care about the most the things I've done. The things that have happened to the people around me?

Elliot took a long drag off the cigarette as he settled on the couch. He supposed he could start at the beginning as much as he knew it.

"I'm a hacker. Maybe you kind of know that but it's pretty serious. You've heard of fsociety on the news? That's... I work with them," he started, staring at the burning end of the cigarette with a furrowed brow. "That's not really a big deal. I'm not ashamed of doing that. I stole Flipper from some asshole I hacked. He was duping my psychiatrist."

This isn't too bad a start is it?

"I hear things sometimes... see things really," Elliot exhaled. "Specifically my dead dad likes to fuck with my head and sometimes I'm not... sometimes he's..." he lifted a shoulder. "Kind of takes over and I lose time. If I'm ever acting fucking insane you should probably get out..." He didn't elaborate further.

He shrugged but he clearly wasn't done. "There was this girl that lived across the hall... Shayla... Before I met you..." For the first time in the entire badly rehearsed speech he'd created in his mind his voice faltered a little. "She was my dealer but then she was more. I didn't like how the supplier treated her... so I hacked him and he went to jail... He knew it was me... I got her killed."

I really miss her...

He still had left a lot out but he was figuring he had said enough that would send him running and also he still wanted to protect him as best he could.

Edited 2016-09-22 10:19 (UTC)

It's all so matter-of-fact, the way Elliot usually acted. Not around him, though. Not for a while. Not since that time he shared chicken and tomato pizza and a story about his friend Angela with TJ. He's pulling back, back into the comfort of expecting everyone to want to be distant from him. TJ recognized it because he's done it. Still, TJ was expecting a bomb. This was a fucking blitzkrieg.

"Okay, stop." He just had to get that out there before Elliot could draw breath and add on to the laundry list of things meant to send to TJ fleeing. He needed a moment to process it all. Dead girlfriend, hallucinations, those fsociety hacks he heard about on the news... "Just gimme a sec," he added, rising to his feet to dig in his pocket for his pack of smokes. By the time he had a cigarette lit and sucked in the first draw, he was walking across the room, pacing, really. TJ wasn't prone to pacing.

It took him a few minutes to sort his questions in his head. First priority: the hallucinations. That's something Elliot can't control, something that's part of him if TJ's understanding him correctly. That has to be the priority. The hacking and the dealer... Choice and circumstance. Still important, but not what needs to be addressed first.

When TJ finally returned to the couch, half his cigarette was gone, habitually ashed in the tray (he's not a caveman!). "Okay, so, what you're saying is you've got... what? Another personality? Is that what you're telling me?"

Elliot's eyes snapped to look directly at TJ when he said stop. His stomach dropped further and he was half expecting him to get up and leave. It was all too much. The truth about his life was far more than TJ should be expected to handle, right? He bit down on his lip as if trying to ground himself and hell if some more morphine wasn't tempting just then too but he restrained himself, watching TJ pace which was unsettling and Elliot slowly became more fidgety where he was sitting on the couch.

"Yeah," Elliot said, rubbing the side of his head and looking away from TJ. "Like a virus in my head that I can't get rid of."

"And the fsociety thing... process on-going?" TJ wasn't much invested in all that, save in the way it directly impacted him. He liked the idea of what was said in those videos but maybe he'd been around politics and seen too much of that nonsense to believe could really change. Business and industry had too much control over, well, everything. Welcome to capitalism.

"Yes," Elliot lit another cigarette, staring down at it and smoking without much thought to it, just a comforting habit at this point.

"You should make sure none of your money's not tied up with E~~vil~~Corp."

It was dangerous for him to tell TJ that, any of it, but he did anyway.

"Noted." That didn't sound ominous or anything. TJ made a mental note to get as much out as he could in the next few days and stash his cash in the little fire-proof safe he kept in the closet. TJ looked like he wanted to ask more, but thought better of it. If he knew anything, he might be an accessory at some point.

"I'm sorry about your friend," he said with genuine sympathy. "Dealing's a dangerous game. Sometimes bad stuff like that happens, Elliot. That's not your fault."

Elliot shook his head but he didn't want to go into the gruesome details that confirmed that it was all his fault. He took a long drag off the cigarette and then exhaled slowly.

"It was my fault but it doesn't matter now." She was dead, there wasn't any changing that.

TJ pressed his lips together and gave Elliot a rare stern look. He reached over to lay a hand on Elliot's leg, in an effort to be reassuring, though he's not sure how well itwould work with them both keyed up.

"Did you kill her? No? Not your fault." TJ softened a little then, gently squeezing Elliot's knee. "She matters," he assured. He could tell there was something there and he wasn't going to try to diminish that. Elliot obviously cared about her above and beyond the service she provided in getting him drugs. TJ wasn't the jealous type, and he knew Elliot obviously had a life before they ever met. Maybe it was the way Elliot's voice faltered when he spoke of her that twinged at him.

"Elliot, did you think this would... be a big deal to me? All of this?"

Elliot tensed slightly at the touch, the first time in a long time that he had reacted to TJ that way but he didn't pull away from it at least. It was really the first time he had told anyone what happened to her or that it was completely his fault and they didn't even believe it'd been his fault.

But if he hadn't turned the guy in then there'd been no reason to kidnap her and if there was no reason to kidnap her, no reason to kill her. He exhaled, pushing thoughts of her from his mind before he could spiral beyond what was healthy around TJ.

"Isn't it?"

Oh. He wasn't actually supposed to answer with a question. TJ blinked, confused for the duration of a few seconds, then huffed. "Well, yeah, I mean, but..." Of course it's a big deal and yet it wasn't. TJ's feelings weren't changed, he still liked what he saw in Elliot. A revelation like this seems to expand on him, fill him out more, add dimension and cast light on shadows where TJ didn't see before.

"None of that changes what we have. Whatever that is," TJ assured, his expression both earnest and worried. So what if the guy's just a bit more of a complicated mess than TJ thought. It wasn't like Elliot didn't warn him from the start. He didn't play at being perfectly normal only to spring that he's not. "I can see why you might think would," he added a little more gently.

Elliot stared down at his cigarette again as he listened, trying to keep focused on TJ and not the way his mind had started to race, feeling the anxiety and agitation crawling through every nerve of his body.

"What do we have, TJ?" Elliot questioned, it wasn't a mocking question. But he wanted to name this, TJ was too important to leave in ambiguity but he couldn't say it so directly. But if all these things didn't make him go Elliot wanted it.

TJ's brows drew together, a deep crease forming between them. Something worried crept into his expression, maybe with an edge of... disappointment? Labels made things complicated. Then again, this confession of Elliot's condition made things complicated, too. What could it hurt to put a name to it?

"I don't," he muttered, looked off while he struggled to find something suitable to say. His pulse raced faster now and TJ thought he felt sweat beading on his forehead. What if Elliot decided he's wrong about all this? "I guess, I mean, I kinda thought we were, you know, together."

Elliot looked at TJ and he felt a creeping discomfort at the expression on his face. It wasn't that he knew what all the pieces of it were but it formed something uncomfortable to him. He looked away, taking a drag off the cigarette, flicking the ashes in the tray carelessly.

"There isn't anyone but you. I don't want anybody but you," Elliot replied, exhaling. "The last time I wanted someone like that I was telling everybody else first but I'm telling you. I want us to be together, like... official. Don't want you with nobody else," he exhaled after he said it. It felt like such a big thing to ask and even with what TJ had said he didn't know if it was fair to ask it of him.

Maybe it wasn't the right time to feel so damn good, but Elliot's words brought a moment of surprise, followed by something close to elation. After all the worries he'd nursed on his way here, the shift in emotions left him a little dizzy. TJ exhaled heavily and nodded once, then couldn't stop.

"Yeah, you got it," he answered. "I'm all yours." Then he paused, a little more reservation showing in his eyes. "Please tell me we're not gonna do the whole 'meet the parents' thing. I don't mind introducing you to my brother, but my parents... Please, not yet."

Elliot felt a surge of relief and then finally he smiled, shoulders sagging a bit and only then did he even realize how tense they had been.

"My parents...my dad's dead and well my mom, not that she liked me much when she was well, but she's not well anymore," Elliot shrugged, leaving it at that. "You'll meet Darlene whether I want you to or not. So, I don't mind skipping the whole meet the parents thing."

TJ leaned in suddenly, closing the distance between them for a quick, chaste kiss. He didn't move too far away after that, opting to stay as close as Elliot's tense mood would allow after the scare of almost losing him. TJ was sure Elliot wanted to end things when he invited him over. His pulse was still racing, but slowly he started to feel like he was sinking back into a normal mood, all the fight-or-flight signals shutting down one at a time. He wanted to curl up on the couch beside Elliot, but the other seemed just as stressed. TJ knew better than to press for too much when Elliot was wound tight. It didn't escape his notice that Elliot wasn't wholly comfortable being touched earlier.

"Good. We can just put that off as long as possible." TJ flashed him a relieved smile, then lifted his brows curiously. "You were really worried about this, weren't you? How can I help you unwind?"

Elliot nodded slightly to the other's decision about families anyway. He leaned back a little bit more relaxed into the corner of the couch that he was occupying, putting out his cigarette and turning to look at TJ.

The questions were meant with a shrug as he rubbed his face. He knew he'd really taken more morphine than he should have the dullness more pronounced despite everything once the danger of losing TJ was gone.

He could see that Elliot was retreating, maybe not physically, but mentally. For a fraction of a second, TJ wondered if Elliot was dissociating. Realization hit him hard. Maybe he's never had anyone to confide in before. Elliot's social circle is limited (TJ understood what that's like), maybe he's never had a chance to talk about what happened to his girlfriend, maybe that's why he feels so guilty about what happened to her.

"You wanna tell me about her?" There's genuine interest in TJ's voice. It's not the sort of morbid curiosity about an ex tinged with jealousy. TJ liked hearing about the people in Elliot's life, it seemed to help Elliot open up to him. Maybe talking would help him now. TJ wondered if he ever really had a chance to grieve for her.

Elliot looked up at the question, his brows furrowing a little as if trying to understand why TJ asked that and though he can tell it was genuine there was still a part of him that hedged at the idea of talking about her. He reached to get another cigarette to light up, more out of habit and the need to try and control the jittery energy that made it hard to stay still, hard to keep from trying to look at everything around him at once.

"I don't..." he frowned, that wasn't really true. He did want to talk to her but he didn't know what to say. "She wanted to be normal. I wanted to be normal with her... She was always taking care of me even though I was kind of a jerk to her for a long time. She always tried to make me think different," he took a long drag and then exhaled slowly after a moment.

"She wasn't supposed to get hurt. I was just trying to help her," he hated the wave of sadness that hit him, the kind that he usually crawled into the little nook by his bed until it passed. He couldn't do that with TJ there. "Sometimes I can't get seeing her body in that car out of my head and I can't remember how she looked when she smiled sometimes."

TJ bit back the shocked oh my god before it managed to get out of his mouth. The only thing worse than a dead loved one was being the person to find that dead loved one (and suddenly TJ felt a pang of guilt for what he'd put his mother through). That's something he can't imagine. Sure, TJ thought his life was pretty awful, but he doesn't have any particularly scarring memories to keep him up nights.

Gingerly, TJ reached out to take Elliot's hand, grip loose in case Elliot wanted to pull away. "I'm sorry, Elliot. I had no idea..."

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