viewsource | For Grindr

Entry tags:

For Grindr

There'd always been a hint that he wasn't telling TJ everything. He'd never pretended to be something he wasn't. He'd never acted like he was anything close to normal. But still, the idea of letting TJ in enough to know more. To know about everything that was really important. A part of him was rebelling against the idea and he was more than sure that Mr. Robot was not very happy about it either. But what could he do?

He cared about TJ. He was as important to him as Darlene and Angela. So, he had to tell him the truth. A part of him worried, being with him wasn't really safe and who knew how the son of a political family would feel about his choices to dismantle those that run society. What would he think about the lives that'd been lost because of the war Elliot had started?

There were so many questions plaguing him and he'd told TJ to come over because he'd wanted to talk. He'd done more than his normal regimen of morphine and was smoking as he waited for him to arrive. He'd chosen his own apartment because it was safer, comforting to be there when he was doing something far outside of his comfort zone. Even the cushion that morphine usually provided him from the world hadn't been able to keep out the rising anxiety.

But he was going to do it. TJ deserved to know everything. Elliot knew he was attached far more than he'd ever intended and he felt like it was the same for TJ. He hadn't hacked him again since their first meeting but he thought if he did there'd be some kind of proof of his affection. Maybe.

God where was he? Or was time just slowing down?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Elliot stared down at his cigarette again as he listened, trying to keep focused on TJ and not the way his mind had started to race, feeling the anxiety and agitation crawling through every nerve of his body.

"What do we have, TJ?" Elliot questioned, it wasn't a mocking question. But he wanted to name this, TJ was too important to leave in ambiguity but he couldn't say it so directly. But if all these things didn't make him go Elliot wanted it.

TJ's brows drew together, a deep crease forming between them. Something worried crept into his expression, maybe with an edge of... disappointment? Labels made things complicated. Then again, this confession of Elliot's condition made things complicated, too. What could it hurt to put a name to it?

"I don't," he muttered, looked off while he struggled to find something suitable to say. His pulse raced faster now and TJ thought he felt sweat beading on his forehead. What if Elliot decided he's wrong about all this? "I guess, I mean, I kinda thought we were, you know, together."

Elliot looked at TJ and he felt a creeping discomfort at the expression on his face. It wasn't that he knew what all the pieces of it were but it formed something uncomfortable to him. He looked away, taking a drag off the cigarette, flicking the ashes in the tray carelessly.

"There isn't anyone but you. I don't want anybody but you," Elliot replied, exhaling. "The last time I wanted someone like that I was telling everybody else first but I'm telling you. I want us to be together, like... official. Don't want you with nobody else," he exhaled after he said it. It felt like such a big thing to ask and even with what TJ had said he didn't know if it was fair to ask it of him.

Maybe it wasn't the right time to feel so damn good, but Elliot's words brought a moment of surprise, followed by something close to elation. After all the worries he'd nursed on his way here, the shift in emotions left him a little dizzy. TJ exhaled heavily and nodded once, then couldn't stop.

"Yeah, you got it," he answered. "I'm all yours." Then he paused, a little more reservation showing in his eyes. "Please tell me we're not gonna do the whole 'meet the parents' thing. I don't mind introducing you to my brother, but my parents... Please, not yet."

Elliot felt a surge of relief and then finally he smiled, shoulders sagging a bit and only then did he even realize how tense they had been.

"My parents...my dad's dead and well my mom, not that she liked me much when she was well, but she's not well anymore," Elliot shrugged, leaving it at that. "You'll meet Darlene whether I want you to or not. So, I don't mind skipping the whole meet the parents thing."

TJ leaned in suddenly, closing the distance between them for a quick, chaste kiss. He didn't move too far away after that, opting to stay as close as Elliot's tense mood would allow after the scare of almost losing him. TJ was sure Elliot wanted to end things when he invited him over. His pulse was still racing, but slowly he started to feel like he was sinking back into a normal mood, all the fight-or-flight signals shutting down one at a time. He wanted to curl up on the couch beside Elliot, but the other seemed just as stressed. TJ knew better than to press for too much when Elliot was wound tight. It didn't escape his notice that Elliot wasn't wholly comfortable being touched earlier.

"Good. We can just put that off as long as possible." TJ flashed him a relieved smile, then lifted his brows curiously. "You were really worried about this, weren't you? How can I help you unwind?"

Elliot nodded slightly to the other's decision about families anyway. He leaned back a little bit more relaxed into the corner of the couch that he was occupying, putting out his cigarette and turning to look at TJ.

The questions were meant with a shrug as he rubbed his face. He knew he'd really taken more morphine than he should have the dullness more pronounced despite everything once the danger of losing TJ was gone.

He could see that Elliot was retreating, maybe not physically, but mentally. For a fraction of a second, TJ wondered if Elliot was dissociating. Realization hit him hard. Maybe he's never had anyone to confide in before. Elliot's social circle is limited (TJ understood what that's like), maybe he's never had a chance to talk about what happened to his girlfriend, maybe that's why he feels so guilty about what happened to her.

"You wanna tell me about her?" There's genuine interest in TJ's voice. It's not the sort of morbid curiosity about an ex tinged with jealousy. TJ liked hearing about the people in Elliot's life, it seemed to help Elliot open up to him. Maybe talking would help him now. TJ wondered if he ever really had a chance to grieve for her.

Elliot looked up at the question, his brows furrowing a little as if trying to understand why TJ asked that and though he can tell it was genuine there was still a part of him that hedged at the idea of talking about her. He reached to get another cigarette to light up, more out of habit and the need to try and control the jittery energy that made it hard to stay still, hard to keep from trying to look at everything around him at once.

"I don't..." he frowned, that wasn't really true. He did want to talk to her but he didn't know what to say. "She wanted to be normal. I wanted to be normal with her... She was always taking care of me even though I was kind of a jerk to her for a long time. She always tried to make me think different," he took a long drag and then exhaled slowly after a moment.

"She wasn't supposed to get hurt. I was just trying to help her," he hated the wave of sadness that hit him, the kind that he usually crawled into the little nook by his bed until it passed. He couldn't do that with TJ there. "Sometimes I can't get seeing her body in that car out of my head and I can't remember how she looked when she smiled sometimes."

TJ bit back the shocked oh my god before it managed to get out of his mouth. The only thing worse than a dead loved one was being the person to find that dead loved one (and suddenly TJ felt a pang of guilt for what he'd put his mother through). That's something he can't imagine. Sure, TJ thought his life was pretty awful, but he doesn't have any particularly scarring memories to keep him up nights.

Gingerly, TJ reached out to take Elliot's hand, grip loose in case Elliot wanted to pull away. "I'm sorry, Elliot. I had no idea..."

Elliot lets him, his eyes focused on where their hands connected and he shook his head. "There's really nothing anyone can do about it now," he said, lifting his shoulder and wanting to drop the topic as the wave of sadness kept hitting him. He didn't think that TJ needed to know that he hadn't been able to do anything for her really.

He didn't even know where she was buried, or if she'd been buried. Had anyone ever found and claimed her body? He could look it up sure, but he'd never had the heart to do it. He wasn't ready to know.

"Wanna do some coke?" he asked, putting the cigarette out. He had some left from the last time Darlene had brought over a stolen cache of drugs.

For a second, the suggestion sparked worry -- probably the same sort of worry his family felt whenever something went wrong in his life and they knew he'd inevitably turn to a line for solace. But TJ sympathized with that need. What TJ told himself when that flicker of nerves gripped him was that it was Elliot's choice in substance. From the start, he'd told TJ coke wasn't his thing.

He shifted where he sat, pushing a hand in his pocket for the vial he always kept on hand (just in case, he told himself). "Yeah, man. Here," he held out the vial with a half-hearted smile. "Where do you keep the rest of your supplies? I'll get them."

Elliot pointed to the table beside the couch. He'd never made a habit of hiding anything in his apartment. There wasn't really any reason to. He stared at the vial and the rational part of his brain was telling him it was a bad idea but one line wouldn't be so bad.

One line and then just lay down and hope the pain dulled to an acceptable throb instead of the piercing grief that he couldn't ignore. It wasn't a good idea and he just kept breaking every rule today that he had for himself, pushing at the tenuous boundaries of his sanity.

He opened the vial, leaning forward to start the process on the end table in front of them.

"Thought you were more of a downer guy," TJ commented. Not that hhe was trying to suggest Elliot needed downers at that moment. If TJ read the situation right, he was pretty sure Elliot was already high. Could he blame him? Not at all, not with confessions like that. TJ watched him closely, edging closer to the table.

There were a thousand questions he wanted to ask, but he wondered if now was the time. At length, he finally opened with, "so, um, can I ask you some things about, you know, your, um, your dad?" Not really his dad, but the... hallucinations? Alternate personality? "It's okay if you're not ready to talk about it."

Elliot didn't answer the comment, a slight shrug the only indication that he was listening. He bit down on his lip as he kept his eyes on the table instead of looking at TJ right away.

The question caught him off guard his jaw tightening for a brief moment before he willed it to relax. "Sure."

"What do you mean when you said I should leave if you're acting crazy?" He paused only a beat before qualifying. "I know what the you should leave part is; it's the acting crazy part... " Did he just mean acting unlike himself? Were there specific signs that Elliot wasn't the one driving? Was there some sort of danger? It couldn't be easy for Elliot to talk about, it's not something one would share with just about anyone. TJ certainly guards the few secrets he has fiercely (not only for his sake, though).

Elliot exhaled at the question and then the explanation which really he kind of figured is what TJ would have meant. He rubbed his hands over his head. "If I'm mean... or just power tripping or... if I'm not me..." more than anyone else he'd hope that TJ would be able to see the difference but then again his own sister hadn't been able to tell.

Maybe Mr. Robot was just damned good at hiding in plain sight and Elliot didn't really have any way of knowing that. Maybe he was just all those things in his head but not out loud.

TJ nodded. He liked to think he would be able to tell, but couldn't say for sure. He liked to think he could read some of the subtleties of Elliot's moods and behaviours, but no one's perfect at that. The description Elliot provided was enough to satisfy TJ's curiosity. It gave him some clues to look for if he ever noticed Elliot acting amiss.

"If for some reason I end up talking with him and I don't know it, will you remember the conversation?"

The passive look on Elliot's face finally broke into something sadder. He hardly was even thinking about the coke that'd been his idea and leaned back on the couch.

"I don't know... I forgot Darlene was my sister more than once so..." he lifted his shoulder, his memory and inability to remember things in a way that seemed completely randomized to him was one he didn't like. He tried so hard to keep a tight control on his life, his habits, his routine and things like that were so far out of his control -- likely why he was always so wound up about keeping to the routine.

He'd started to break out of it, just a little, for TJ. It'd been a measure of safety slowly given up. "Sometimes, I'm there and sometimes I'm not."

Whoa. That certainly added yet another layer of complexity to their relationship. TJ hoped there wouldn't coma day when he came round and Elliot didn't know him. Or if it did, that TJ would be able to handle it well. The look on Elliot's face made his heart ache and he decided then that he could ask more later. Elliot opened enough and it was obviously getting to him.

"Sorry, I didn't mean..." To ask so many questions, to keep him in a vulnerable place, to ignore his emotions on the matter. "C'mon. Let's do this coke and... I don't know, watch a movie or just curl up in bed."

"you have a right to answer questions. You just found out you're dating a psycho," Elliot said quietly, even if he didn't think that was an accurate description it's sure what he would sound like to someone else.

He gave a slow nod to the reprieve that was offered though. He just wasn't ready for more questions or to deal with the fact that he knew he had just left some heavy things on TJ to process which was hardly fair.

He could've chosen his words more carefully.

"You're not a psycho," TJ insisted. Sure, maybe he had some problems people could legitimately call 'crazy." He breathed out slowly, then leaned in a little closer, still not sure if too much touching would be welcome. "I don't think you're psycho," he added more firmly. He opted to give Elliot some space, leaning toward the coffee table to have a line before things got too serious again.

"For what it's worth, I think it took a lot of courage for you to tell me all this today." He could've postponed it until there was no option but to explain, he could've kept it secret for much longer, but he didn't. "Everyone's got things they'd rather keep under wraps, me included."

Elliot didn't argue because it felt good to have TJ say that. There was relief in knowing that TJ wasn't going to just up and leave him because of all the new information, at least not right away.

He didn't say anything, exhaling before he leaned to do a line himself. He closed his eyes afterwards, fingers brushing under his nose before leaning back into the couch with a deep sigh.

He couldn't come up with a damned thing to say, leaning over instead to press his lips to the other's briefly, silently lifting the seeming hold on physical touch that'd been present through most of the conversation.

Elliot's kiss lifted some of the tension, prompting TJ to feel somewhat more at ease. It was a lot to take in, a lot to process. It wouldn't be easy on either of them, but... He liked Elliot enough to try, at least. They'd gone so far as to agree they're actually dating, after all. Tj didn't enter into actual formal relationships lightly.

Now that he knew Elliot was alright with physicality again, TJ scooted over to his side of the couch and leaned against him. He rested his head against Elliot's shoulder and draped an arm over his stomach, basking in the closeness. "I guess since we're sharing... The last time I got involved with anyone seriously..." TJ paused, swallowing back the mix of bitterness and sadness that seemed to form a lump in his throat. "I was with this married guy for almost a year. A congressman, no less."

Elliot was still slow to respond -- although that wasn't always new -- but his arm did slide around TJ once the other was settled against him.

"I know about that," Elliot said, and he also knew that after it'd ended that TJ had almost died in a suicide attempt. His fingers rubbed against the other's side an attempt at comfort all the same.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject